THE ACTUAL STARS

 

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Her first real gig was at some bad roller rink. 

        

                             It was then that I realized that         I am nothing    

                           

                                                                               compared to        singing to strangers.             

 

                                                                                                               Compared to                 aching                                                                                                                                

                                                                                                                                                     over this life.

 

 

That night,  I       stopped      like a California fir                alone         

 

                                                                                in a field    on fire.

 

 

But, onstage she had a kind of a breakaway moment.         It was full on         and over-the-top.

 

        

            A kind of a combination of us.      

 

                                                                            This burning life     -                

                                                                

                                                                                                    no wonder I was scared.       

 

 

My cousin, Free and I,          out alone on the lake in the dark.

 

        

                    I was a girl but wanted to be          some other kind of animal.

 

 

There were sequins.     More than that,   I said,                 

 

                                                                                 there was   the most extreme light.

 

 

 

 

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TALK TO ME

 

 

I was going on fourteen, and          a        new   kind of a    big deal              

 

            in      Varsity shorts.             

 

We had heard about love and so we waited and waited          

 

            and my friends were getting           after           it      

 

                                     so we         had a bottle of vodka in the car,

 

 

            and we thought             everything  was   everything

 

                                      and    we were     not    embarrassed        yet.

  

 

 

         I was one of those people who       film            crisis

 

I was                   all    

 

                   falling apart.

 

 

            I could                 cut all                  my              hair off      

        

 

and eat                 a whole      Passionfruit         with            all  of its pits.

 

 

 

At Penn Station   I saw someone    mumbling something             about someplace

 

        

I think

 

           I learned it all      backwards,         

                           

                                                                   I said.

                                                                            Talk to me

                                                                

                                                                                       I said.                           

                                                                                               I was bad.

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DOUBLE SOLAR ECLIPSE

 

 

I turned sixteen   one night    and my heart       was   mine

 

                                                                                                     pounding and      shaking.   

                  

I        was already a      half a          star.            And            I was                   always                 free  

 

 

                                                                                  but    this was my                  day

                                                                                                                                           in awe.               

 

 

What did the whole truth       look like?   This huge            always                                   

 

                                                                                                         and    all the things.               

 

 

I think                 I needed something      blue 

                                                                                 in my heart.                 

 

                                                                                          I think                I was not    in love       

                                                                                                      

                                                                                                                     nearly enough.

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Author's Note: These poems consist entirely of words and phrases from Cher's memoir The First Time and from my own middle school diaries.