CHAPTER XXV

 

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Note this

       

I have come to understand    a particular freedom   

 

without restraining mood   

 

aglow    as if loosened 

 

God    you are going to be so good to me

 

I know a poison you do not

 

beginning and ending with my hand

 

the blackest prelude

 

Note the quaint seriousness of my voice    low and strained

 

The flesh    the rough flinch

 

My fast-bending hand

 

which subdued the whiteness of his hair

 

I shrink into all wives    and their hands

 

their hands    that loved me best    I have not forgotten

 

that set me free    from the thrall    my husband held over me

 

What I have arranged to do will be no murder

 

Even if it were

 

I know now what men feel

 

that special excitement when in active danger

 

This necessary task    euthanasia    a comfort

 

I am in a fever of hands

 

I found him whetting

 

the edge of his throat    driven by cold

 

His hands instinctively sought

 

my smooth arrangement

 

He is sure I will come at his call

 

but I have not lost the grace a woman has

 

a power he may not take away

 

I    with perfect nervous poise

 

let loose wings    a thought-strong swan

 

When the time comes    I alone slaughter

 

I alone    ultimately triumph

 

The tight country he had tried to invade

 

he kissed it    sick and keen

 

There is more to tell and I shall tell you   

 

Forgive me if I seem remorseless

 

selfishness frees my soul somewhat

 

Not even God is with me now

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CHAPTER XXVI

 

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This morning    the increasing swirl in his eyes   

 

lying half asleep as he

 

distributed his guarantee    the routine hurt

 

this mixture of arousal and business

 

After a fog    I felt a wind carry through me

           

right or wrong didn’t matter

           

I was rid of that type of punctuation

           

released from my promise to be grateful

 

to the man who invented this suffering

 

I have my conclusion

 

*

 

Memorandum

 

   (a) He must be confined.

   (b) A process of exclusions.

   1. Endless difficulties in leaving.

   (x) Investigate, hint, surmise: what might destroy him?

   (y) Maybe.

   (z) His highest fear, his victim.

   2. It would have to be fatal.

   3. The safest way: engulf him in water.

   Firstly. A general plan of action.

   Secondly. Ascertain his means of escape, and his suspicions.

   His canniness has been proved before.

 

*

 

My husband’s murder    required isolation

    in secret    I blotted out his traces

I have examined    ascended

    I read    the creaking sound

of his shaking hands    now

    at his most helpless    he is powerless

 

*

 

I took other precautions    I hunt well armed

 

It may be necessary to undo time    and re-incarnate

 

To destroy    I hesitate to write the word    destroy him

 

My legs are quick and lethal

 

I can fight    I can die   

 

as well as men can

 

Fear shall find him near that fateful place

 

sad and tainted with illness    almost alive   

 

in embryo    in a collapse of misery

 

I would take him into that place

 

There is work to be done before

 

I can escape those gloating lips

 

Forgive me    it is a dire need         

 

I am giving    possibly    my life

 

*

 

I cannot sleep

how can I

it would be easier to die than to live

and quit before I start

dismiss the whole adventure

 

Here

as the cold seems to rise up and strike

it all comes home