IM STILL BLEEDING

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the turquoise house

in upstate new york

has caused me to cry

i drink a ginger-tumeric-

cayenne shot & consider

for a moment:

the yoni egg

i puked thru a paper

bath & body works

bag all over

tony’s bed

one year ago today

& how two years ago

i fell twice

into a tomato patch

the 71 year-old

uber driver

mourned the magic

of her era’s

halloween to me

the hudson was like

melted steel

the onlooking

clouds like hats

like artillery

mitch is having

people over tonight

my throat’s still sore

an attic but inside

it’s only bones

well what did you expect

from all that eye contact

when i read my name

in your poems

i swoon

but i won’t do that

for you

today i mourned

a porch i never had,

psychic services

i never offered,

soaking your palm

into the holy water

& watching where

new lines formed

i thought

“memory pruning”,

i thought

“neuron pruning”

i fell knee-first

at the altar

& allowed my inner

child to cry

in myrrh mist crisis

i forget

the music is playing

until it stops

i forget i’ve died before

until the plane shows me

turbulence,

until the pilot

points out the sunset

& i am sitting

on the wrong side

she claimed she just

got back from

OMEGA

but i’ve never tried

to remember any

of my past lives

i buy a car for cassadaga

i buy a cactus in bloom

i buy a flip phone

from ebay

like absolution

vindicated i am

not over it

even when i pretend to be

i make countless

google voice numbers

& try him from there

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@-----}----

(a rose is a rose is a rose)

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violet sings in the shower

it is lovely

meanwhile the john

laughs in the hall

i hope he doesn’t

open the white wood

door to me nude

in this black silk robe

like ignorant karate,

my mouth still yogurt

as it were & always

will be maintaining

my important pH levels

 

well thank you to theo

for painting

the whites of my walls

& thank you to alyss

for bringing me beers

when i was in need

i remembered

the secret

i folded the paper

i lit the candle

i imagined him calling me

& i imagined him calling me

& then i dreamt that he called me

but he never called

so slowly i began

to dream

of other things

like money

like wrinkles on my forehead

& fistfuls of teeth

thank god

nothing ever actualized

 

my ass was bruised

but micah didn’t notice

under the light like lime

a maroon flogger,

a contrived spandex gimp mask

 

men always ask

why there is no tape

over the webcam

like the idea of privacy

wasn’t just a charade

 

& when there is loneliness

when she comes like night

& when she drapes her dumb black sheet over me

i keep my cell phone in reach

& decide to call jeff instead

& he is always drunk like me

& always a lawyer

& always back home

near his mother &

our memories of being

children in love

 

& you can’t step twice

into the same river

unless you do

but then

it’s uncomfortable

the soggy socks

like after you shit

& no matter how much you wipe

you’re still an animal

in disgust at yourself

you shiver like an an animal

& it’s like living twice

 

yesterday in the park

alex explained déjà vu

as a repetition of

electric frequencies,

one after the next

i held the flame

to my candle

& melded together

the crack in its spine

& i walked by the flower shoppe

i had seen in a dream

but i hadn’t

i had seen the flower shoppe

in a dream

but i hadn’t

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